I awoke again this morning with knots in my stomach and fear in my heart. This was the third morning in a row that I have woke up in this state. I have been on a three week overnight pet sitting job. I head home about once or twice a week for a few hours to keep myself connected. Meadow misses me when I am gone. I enjoy giving her attention when I go home. Michael and I usually take a golf cart ride to reconnect and enjoy time together. It is grounding for both of us. Michael has made some walking paths too which we have been enjoying. The only drawback is the never ending search for ticks afterwards. Michael is a tick magnet. I usually find one or two on myself.
I know the knots in my stomach are fear induced. Fear of the unknown, fear of what may happen and trying to maintain healthy boundaries even when others fight tooth and nail against them. We have been borderline harassed with certain people calling every day many times a day. Michael’s temper flares with the calls and the other parties seem clueless in spite of many requests and explanations of why it is inappropriate. Many things have stacked up and made the quest for peace and balance hard and more like a fun house ride rather than a zen ride. Both Michael and I are working hard to maintain peace and balance.
I went down my mom’s home today to do some odds and ends with her as well as garden some more. I love my mom’s idea of gardening now as she ages-in a chair next to the various pots or plots. I am a lazy gardener and only do potted plants while Michael is more zealous and plans gardens each year that are masterpieces. My mom and I gardened for a while and I filled all her bird feeders. I was excited to see a bird I had never seen before after I filled the bird baths too. I think it was a dickcissel but may have been a warbler. After the outdoor chores I sat down with my mom to watch a baseball game. We both enjoy the game and my mom always watched it with my dad and later my step dad. The game ended and I then raced a storm home to walk the dogs before the rain, wind and lightning. Typically it once a storm hits Baltimore or DC it will hit our area within an hour. I made it home with ten minutes to spare. The dogs and I walked before the rain but the thunder had started.
I hope to find peace in my sleep the next few days and for my stomach to settle down. I know all the sayings, cliches and statements to not let stuff bother me and most of the time I live by them. But now I just want to yell f**k it, cry and find peace. Maybe that’s the key for me, to not bottle everything up and do the proverbial let live and let go.
I am counting down the days until I am home again. I miss Michael and Meadow. The one plus is I have plowed through the podcasts I listen to. When I started this job I had 54 shows to listen to and I am down to 15. I have been enjoying them.
I hope peace finds me and that I find it. My stomach will thank me