Life is never what I think it will be but I try to adapt to what it is. I often have visions of writing at my desk, lit with a soft light and surrounded by art and books. More often than not I am writing on the couch surrounded by books and at times struggling to find what to say. What is too much info what is not enough and does anyone care what I may say. So I often try to think of this as writing for myself. A snapshot in time.
Over the past six years I have journeyed beside Michael and have learned much about PTSD as well as a little bit about military life. I was unprepared at how truly deep the wounds of ptsd penetrate. So often Michael’s thinking turns negative, angry, frustrated and confused. Naive me, thought it’s ok we can beat it with our love. I have discovered that love while nice is not always enough to deal with the effects of PTSD. It has been a struggle especially over the past two years. Struggling to remember happy times, peaceful times and what keeps us together. There have been many disagreements, shouting matches and tears. I am currently at an overnight pet sitting job and the time apart has been a blessing. We are remembering why we are together, what makes us happy and can we continue to build lives and dreams for the future.
My mom’s dementia and Alzheimer’s is slowly getting worse each day. However and for this I am grateful and at peace-she is happy. She forgets the day of the week more frequently and sometimes confuses the dates of things as well as people. But she laughs and smiles about it. Sometimes she is perplexed and does not believe me if I correct her. Today she was absolutely positive it was Palm Sunday. I visit her about five days a week. We read and discuss the newspaper together. We take walks and enjoy the sunroom. She is looking forward to Christmas. I wish more of her friends and family would keep in touch with her but I think people are fearful of memory loss-what do you say what do you do. She is still very engaged in life and is vibrant. She inspires me each day.
I am fifty two years old and fall is my favorite time of the year but I have grown to like all seasons. I find I am enjoying winter more and more. I like the feeling of listening to the winds in the trees, the darkness of winter to contemplate and just knowing I am warm and secure. I have learned that I clean more right before winter. I hate spring cleaning and much prefer to do the heavy cleaning right before the cold and snow hit. Weird I know.
I am hoping to have a quieter more peaceful year next year filled with laughter love and friends. I have been writing down what I wish to achieve and work towards. Peace is definitely at the top of the list.