It has been cloudy for days with rain off and on. We have had a few storms roll through today. In between storms and raindrops I went outside to see what my eye could capture. Due to time constraints, other projects taking precedent and being tight on money we have not formally planted any gardens this year. The flowers that have come up are perennials and wild flowers. I really enjoy finding beauty in front of me. I decorate with lots of art, books and color. So of course color outside drew me in.

Things have still been tough but I have found a new peace inside of me. It has been a long time coming but I am comfortable with it. I have finally started putting a dent in one room of the house where I have thrown everything for the last four years. I throw things in there with the expectation I will get around to straightening it out later. Well later is now. Straightening things out, donating things and cleaning things helps my depression. Lately it has helped me focus on what is important to me and what I would like to pursue.

Two things have come up for me recently that have made me take another look at how I feel and think. First was the announcement of Tina Turner’s death. I have always enjoyed her music and admired her story but was surprised at how deeply her death affected me. I was sad for days. Some parts of her life mirror mine though I cannot sing or dance. Secondly I came across the obituary of a childhood bully of mine. Since I graduated high school and moved away from where I grew up I had not given her much thought. Seeing her name brought me back to junior high school where she tormented me with her friends. I was a quiet, awkward and terrified geek. Though I had a bit of fire in me and one time told her to shut the hell up. She never knew it was me but I did and another friend of mine did. She always threatened that when she found out who said it that they would get hurt. In reading her obituary I learned she had been married once and was engaged to be married again. She has children and grandchildren. She died too young. I can’t say I have fond memories of her but I was sorry to read she died. My father died when I was twenty four and it still affects me to this day. My dad was 59. I hope her family has sweet memories of her to sustain them.

It is supposed to be stormy here for the next week. The flowers and grass will love it. I hope Canada gets rain to help extinguish their wildfires. The smoke affected where I live on and off for about two weeks. Sometimes you could faintly smell smoke. That amazes me as I live 600-2500 miles from the fires.

Well I am off to pack up some more boxes for Goodwill and to work on how I feel. Depression causes me to forget what I find joy in and what I love to do. But I am getting better at remembering!