I have enjoyed using the portrait studio light option on my iPhone. The first four photos are a result of using the filter. I am enjoying the challenge in getting a good shot. The bottom photo I took a few minutes ago. We have had storms roll through the last few days. We did not have any of the tornados Maryland experienced yesterday.

It been almost four and a half months since my mom died. Her death has brought up a lot of emotions and thoughts. Reevaluating relationships and my life so far. I suppose a midlife crisis without going crazy overboard. I have been doing a deep dive into my psyche to better understand myself and why I am the way I am. It has been enlightening, frightening and a bit liberating. I have never been one to blame others for how I am and I cannot stand people who constantly play the victim card but I am understanding better how fearful I have been most of my life. I remember being scared from an early age. I escaped into books for comfort. Henceforth I understand now why I have hundreds and hundreds of books. I have a nice library and just looking at it brings me peace and joy.

I had been looking for answers to my questions over the death process as I was traumatized by the final few days of my mom’s life. Hospice was not able to answer my questions or make me feel better. I was raised Christian and have my beliefs based upon it but I have also educated myself on many religions-Buddhism, Judaism, Muslim and others. I have a strong spiritual connection but get bothered when people tell me to pray and leave things in God’s hands. That to me and maybe I am bitter but it seems like a cop out. The hospice set me up with some sessions to speak with someone. I was unaware it would be someone with a ministry background. The person started off stating he thought Michael and I were hippies because we have colorful recycled sari curtains enclosing our front porch. As we talked more I was crying hard, sobbing even. Michael was shocked as he had never seen me totally lose it. The spiritual advisor lost me when he asked what my belief system was and I explained I was raised Christian but also entertained other belief systems. I consider myself a Christian Buddhist. The man said I won’t hold it against you that you are not a practicing Christian. WTF? I understand that is where is background is but I don’t need someone to tell me God is there for me or praying will help. It bothered me that was the extent of his help. I did not participate in the two follow up appointments that hospice offered. I honestly found hospice a bit frustrating to work with other than the nurses who helped mom.

The person who helped me find peace the most after my mom died was my primary care physician. He treated my mom, dad and myself so we have a long history. He asked some questions about mom’s death and I explained I was traumatized by the way we stop feeding and drinking when a person declines further treatment. To me, it is barbaric, there should be a way to assist someone that doesn’t cause them pain and suffering. Yes hospice had mom on morphine and anxiety meds the last four days of her life but it really struck me when I assisted one of the caregivers in changing mom’s clothing and bed. I helped her roll mom and was shocked at how thin she felt. I completely understand people’s aversion to assisting someone to pass. But you know we don’t allow our pets to suffer and put them to sleep as we don’t want them to suffer. But the only thing we can do for people is deny them food and water and keep them on pain meds until they die. It really upset me. Back to my primary care physician- I told him I was traumatized by witnessing my mom’s passing and he told me most people at the end of their life stop eating and drinking as death approaches. I finally had an answer that everyone else seemed to not know how to answer me.

It also amazed me how people are unsure how to support someone who has experienced a family member’s death. It’s as if it is a scary thing to witness sad emotions. I have a friend whose son was killed in an auto accident late last year and she is struggling to move forward. She shared with me that her world stopped and the rest of the world moved on by. She said people don’t know what to say or are afraid to bring up her son. I try to support her the best I can however not being a parent I really have no concept on the depth of that loss.

I have started walking more and moving more. I found out the insurance company will not pay for a medication my doctor wanted me on. So I am on my own path for health. I am fearful of the journey as all I hear is how difficult it is for a woman after menopause to lose weight. Plus I have asthma, sleep apnea and afib. I never knew when I got fifty my body would say that’s it. So I am careful what I eat, drinking water, walking and hope to add on another way to move.

Sometimes I am amazed that I still put one foot in front of the other each day but I am a fighter. I have surrounded myself with friends who support me, family members who know me well and therapists.

I reached 55 on Sunday. It was a quiet day. I look forward to the rest of my life with new hope. Reading, writing and feeling better about myself with a lot less fear.