So many days I feel like I am on a roller coaster. One minute I think everything is ok and secure and the next my world has turned upside down. It has happened over and over. I imagine it does in most people’s lives but we hide our private lives from so many. God forbid we share when we are going through hell. Keep a stiff upper lip, smile and keep going. When I feel like I am in my upside down world I focus on myself. I focus on calm.

I have a list of projects that I want to achieve this year. Some projects are small-organize a bookshelf, declutter a kitchen cabinet, other projects are bigger-plant wildflowers, vegetables and learn how to can food.

I am going through my books and downsizing my collection. I have three boxes to go to goodwill and a stack of books to go to the Little Free Library in the next town.

I have been struggling with feelings of guilt in regard to my mom. I feel bad the times I could not take her out for a meal. Sometimes I was so overwhelmed with the difficulties in my marriage and driving two hours each day to visit I was exhausted. It was a challenge to take mom out. Getting her out of her wheelchair and into my car, then getting her out of the wheelchair to go into eat somewhere. She would often have such a strong desire to go out but once out she was almost silent just looking around at things. Sometimes it was a look of comfort and others a look of where the hell am I. She asked me every single day if I heard from my sisters and when were they going to call her and visit her. My brother in law and his wife FaceTimed a lot with mom and I. My oldest nephew and his family FaceTimed too. Mom always loved the calls.

I felt awful having to put my mom in assisted living after she fell three times in one day and ended up at the hospital. I placed her in assisted living during Covid. I could not see her in person for almost a year- we could only visit through a window. Mom struggled to use the phone. She was very confused in the beginning. As the years went on she would sundown every day often not knowing where she was. Thankfully she was never angry or agitated. It is a heavy job to be someone’s decision maker. I struggled with my mom’s various illnesses. The Covid vaccines affected her terribly. I thought I was going to lose her after the second vaccine. She did not get a third vaccine.

I know guilt is a stage of grief. I keep waffling between anger, grief and acceptance. I try to accept I did the best I could but it still bothers me some nights.

I have shared a photo of one of my favorite places. Perkins Cove in Ogunquit Maine. I find that it is where my soul restores itself. I am not sure I will be able to get there this year but I am hoping next year.

Stay cool as the heat is heavy all over.