Finding My Peace Again

I shutdown almost completely recently. Emotionally and mentally I just went into a numb and crushing state of non feeling. My desire to write, photograph and participate in meaningful conversations was gone. I had gone into shutdown mode when a former coworker who had threatened violence towards me reappeared at work after a number of years. When I saw the person in the building, after I had been promised years ago by high level managers that the person is not permitted in the property, my heart and stomach feel to the floor. I felt the fear return and my emotions rose to their highest level of flight. The person stayed in the building for an hour never coming in contact with me. I wrote my boss and security about the incident and voiced my concern and opinion that no one was taking my issue seriously. The next day I was on the phone yelling at security and my boss who all told me the issue was mine to deal with and handle. I countered it was their job to provide a safe work environment and the former working was trespassing. After forty minutes of yelling and me telling security I had no faith in their abilities to deal with issues their solution was to provide me with an armed security person for two weeks. I found the solution to be a bandaid for serious security issues at work. Anyone can walk into our building with no one to stop them to even ask why they are there. I was uncomfortable with the armed person there for me, watching me and doing perimeter searches around the building. To deal with all of it I just shut down. I hardly took any photos except at the farm, I cried a lot and bickered a bit with Mike. I knew I wanted to write but how do you write about it. Mike was there for me every step of the way letting me talk or cry. He tried to get me to take photos and would suggest things to photograph. I dug deep within myself and with love and support of Mike and some good friends i think I really turned a corner when Mike said to me if you want to quit we will make it financially. I found my footing again. I did not want to let this person control how I feel or act. I decided I wanted to live my life as always on my terms. A new me emerged from this and for whatever reason I feel I had a spiritual lesson to learn if nothing else to prove to myself that I am strong, I am loved and I have a lot to share with the world be it large or small. To celebrate my taking back of myself I treated myself to a drastic but amazing haircut. I ran all over the farm this morning taking picture after picture. We finished work at the farm tonight and I told Mike I wanted to go into the garden again even though it was dusk to see what I could capture. I learned when my creativity or desire to create stood there is something wrong with my soul and I need to check in with myself. 

10 thoughts on “Finding My Peace Again

  1. Love the haircut!!! You are such a blessing to so many people, Becca. Do not give anyone the power to squelch your voice. What you have to say matters. . .stay strong, my friend.

  2. Hi Becca, I know what it’s like to shut down and then feel the relief of coming back to myself again. I wrote my “Pausing on the Stairwell” blog post this week on one of those “coming out” days. You described your experience so well. It’s always helpful to know that others struggle with similar feelings.

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