Life in limbo, sadness and trying to keep hopeful.

It’s lambing season!!
The golden light
After the rain
Cool clouds
Flowers on a side street

Hello again! It has been a while. Life has been in limbo. Michael and I are still proceeding towards a divorce however the papers need to be filed. Not all will agree with how we are going to continue on but for now it works. We have grown apart but remain committed to each other. I have ceased wearing my wedding ring. It feels a bit weird all of this but I have found a peace in it. We have both cried a lot, yelled a lot and tried to keep going. I have been approved by the VA to be Michael’s caregiver. It was a long and drawn out process just slightly less overwhelming than applying for a service dog for Michael.

Relationships are funny, weird, messed up and at times supportive. We are relearning how to live together peacefully and supporting each other. I have been so tired between helping to care for my mother, Michael and his PTSD, Covid (though I never had it) and trying to find myself again. I feel like I lost myself in our marriage. Part of the training for VA caregivers is supporting yourself and self care. Carving out time for myself has been a challenge but I am getting better at it. I still don’t feel entirely at peace but I am working on it. My friends have stuck by me and those who haven’t I realized were not really friends. Funny you still discover that in your 50’s. I am perplexed by a friend who was part of my life for four to five years and now I cannot get an answer to emails. I suppose I could pick up a phone and call. However I am not sure I really want to know. I think it was a drifting apart. I forget some friendships are for life and some serve their purpose for a shorter time. Live and learn.

I am currently in physical therapy for my right knee. I have torn my meniscus. I am trying to avoid a knee replacement. I need to lose weight and exercise more. Now that my heart and asthma are under control I can finally do something towards weight lose.

Here’s a funny for you. As you know I have been forever trying to downsize things. Quite unsuccessfully. I contacted three declutter companies to assist me. I sent photos to one and never heard back. I thought damn is my shit that bad? Apparently. The second company was very helpful but I could not afford their rates and the third wanted to sell me clear plastic boxes to organize everything. I don’t need organization I need to get rid of things. Ironically I think I may have finally found something that has stuck with me. It came from the tv show NCIS. It’s ok to let go and still hold on. I have found that helpful in decluttering. I am finally at the point where I am not attached to my things. I know they say when you get rid of things you feel lighter. I am hoping for that and to feel at peace again.

I am looking to find myself. Some days feel so dark and gloomy and others there is a little bit of light. I never thought I would be heading for a second divorce. I feel like such a failure in that aspect.

I am looking forward to moving forward and finding peace again. I hope it write more as it really helps me. Photography always brings joy to my life and I have started reading more.

Thanks as always for reading and checking out my blog.

4 thoughts on “Life in limbo, sadness and trying to keep hopeful.

  1. Your spring photos are lovely. I wish you the best outcome with your new transition, you are strong and brave.

  2. I was preparing a comment about your photography long before I got to the end of your post, where you mentioned how it always brings joy to your life. My comment would have been to the effect that you really do get some great photographs and I love both the scenes and the vibrant colors. BTW two divorces do not make you a “failure”. I have two in my bag now, but I know they both led me to see who I really am, which is not what either of my husbands thought I was (they were both controlling, although in different ways). So for me at least, the two divorces were among some of the best things that ever happened to me. I am happy with an “SO” who has been my best friend and companion for 23 years now, but we do not feel the need to marry. I’m doing the things I love, he’s doing the things he loves, and we are both best friends as we grow old together. Who knew? Not me, but when you are open to life, it can happen in very interesting ways. I hope you will continue your journey and fill your life with more of the things that already bring you joy–writing, books, animals…and more. The heavy task of caring for others requires some R & R for the caretaker, which you already know but still seem to have a bit of trouble validating. You’ve taken on some enormous, difficult responsibilities for others and just because you have not achieved total success does not paint you as a failure.💟

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