I felt the demons arise in me yesterday. The familiar feeling I have been dealing with and constantly battling since I was ten years old. The darkness of depression fell hard and fast. I felt the anger, frustration and despair fill me while hoping against hope it would not last long. Sometimes the episodes are short lasting only a day or so and others last for many months or even years. Thankfully this one only lasted a day.
I have worked hard over the years to battle the depression and know it can be hard to be around me when I’m in a funk.
To help I write, I photograph, I cry and I look to things that make me happy. I love chasing the light with photography, writing helps me get things out, Mike is tirelessly supportive and then there is nature and the universe. As we head into winter I love the night sky. It is my favorite time of year. When I drive home from work at night the Big Dipper is on my left and Orion is on my right. The moon depending on its phase keeps me company.
I don’t always know what triggers my depression but this time seems to be filled with change all around me, not being heard and frustration with things I want to get done but get tripped up on doing.
Today the demons were quieter and I am working a little every day to accomplish what I want to get done. I really have a lot to be grateful and thankful for and I try to keep that in mind but sometimes the depression creeps up and all the sudden the black hole is opened. Mental illness while discussed more is still stigmatized both in society and elsewhere. I wish I could get off work a night or two to work on my mental health as one can get off for a cold or the flu but alas most places don’t want to hear you are depressed.
As I continue the climb out of the black hole I continue to look to the light of the world and Mike’s undying love for me. He loves me even when I am unlovable.
The first photo is the view out of our side window looking into the front yard. The moon photos are from the weekend at the farm. I feel at home when the moon is in the sky.