It has been a difficult week. My mom had a bad reaction to the Covid booster. It has taken three days for her to be almost back to herself. She is still weak and she gave me one hell of a scare on Tuesday. Suddenly I realized she could leave at any time. I have been so busy working on making sure she is happy and comfortable even with an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. It had not been front and center like I thought it was on Tuesday. She is doing well again. I wish I had more emotional support from my family but they have their own issues. One thing I have learned recently is those who I thought had my back mentally and emotionally are not there. That is a surprise to me though perhaps it should not be. I am grateful to my friends and extended family who have helped me so much over the past year.
I suppose I am fighting internally with how I thought things would look versus how they are. This coming from someone who swears by mindful and being in the moment. I apparently still have work to do. When I retired I envisioned doing all the things I had always found fun and relaxing. Instead within six weeks of return my step father died and my mom was adrift. At the time I thought a lot of it was grief but now realize it was dementia and Alzheimer’s creeping in. Trying to keep things going with my mom plus my marriage and I was left with little time for me. Some days it is all I can do to get through the day without anger and tears. I never thought things would be this difficult but here we are. Sometimes the strong ones need a break but from always being strong no one knows how to assist and help.
I am still slowly going through my things and trying to pare down as I know it would help me tremendously, however, I get bogged down with being exhausted emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Today I started again and am trying to be kind to myself. I get stuck with being sentimental about items and things. I have tried moving some items around to see if they still look ok to keep. Some have made the cut others have not. I know what I want my life to look like but feel like it is months away from achieving. I told my therapist I want to go away from everyone for a week or two and come back with a rebooted attitude.
I look forward to when I feel peace in my life again. I thank everyone for checking out my blog.