Overwhelmed but Hopeful


Lambs, lambs and more lambs! I will be glad when the last ones are born this year. My boss makes it look so easy but at this time of year caring for the sheep exhausts me. I doubt myself when lambing comes, worried I’ll do something wrong or miss something. So far I’ve done well with help from my bosses and my friend Jenn. I had to call my boss Saturday night as a ewe was showing signs of birthing soon. This ewe usually gives birth to triplets and my boss said to call her if I thought she was lambing. I corralled the ewe into a lambing stall, called my boss and then set about feeding the rest of the herd, then cared for the chickens and horses. When I got back to the sheep barn my boss had arrived. While we waited for the ewe to give birth we chatted and she was again teaching me about ewe and lamb care. She caught and held a ewe who doesn’t like to let her lamb nurse. She caught the ewe very quietly and stealthy like a sheep herding dog. I found it fascinating watching her move  among the herd and just by shifting her weight from leg to leg corner the ewe without a fuss. I had to leave to care for some dogs at another job. My boss called me later to tell me the ewe gave birth to triplets but only two survived. 

I have found myself in a place at the moment like an etch a sketch being wiped clean. Two months ago I had it all and so effortlessly it seemed. I know life is constantly changing but I’m struggling to adjust to changes at my nighttime job, the demands of some of my pet and house sitting jobs and my relationships. People have a picture of pet and house sitting as being an easy, money mashing vehture where I sit and eat bon bons while watching pets. I stay at some amazing homes and properties but it comes with responsibilities especially after this past winter. One home had pipes break, another had a furnace die, I had to shovel my way to many places and spun my car twice for the first time in years this winter. Some pets are not thrilled with the fact I stay as it means their owners are gone. Some animals love to see me. Some pets get up far earlier than I’m used to and I go to bed later than they are accustomed to. Sometimes they refuse to eat or destroy things that they normally leave alone. On the flip side owners are always relieved when they see their pets reactions to me. Some get so excited to see me and some know the sound of my car and come running to the door. I care for every pet and home as if they were my own. I love my pet sitting but sometimes I wonder why I’m working seven days a week, why people get upset when I take a week off. One week off out of fifty two isn’t bad. Sometimes I wish I could sleep in, not have to work seventeen hour days and not have to be on the road in all weather but I know I cannot do a nine to five job. That would be the death of me.

On the personal front I find silence difficult to handle. My ex husband would give me the silent treatment or hang up the phone if we argued. We were together for three years and married for forty eight days when he came home saying I don’t love you I never loved you get out. The home was in his name. One of my sisters who I was close to for years has gone silent for the past two years. She used to text and talk but now it is much less frequent, another sister has not spoken to the family in years. Now I’m struggling with NYC ‘s silence. He had told me on our last conversation how happy I make him, how he missed talking to me and is looking forward to a visit but I have not heard from him in a week. It is killing me. I’ve called and texted. I’m still hoping to hear from him. I’m hoping he is ok and wasn’t mugged, hurt or sick.  I miss him a lot. Maybe his phone dropped into the Hudson River. Sometimes I just think relationships aren’t meant for me. I wish too that just once that someone would ask me if I’m ok. I always listen to everyone’s issues and problems and I think people forget I need someone to talk to  also.  Everyone gets used to me calling, texting and listening that when I don’t no one thinks to check on me. 

I’m hoping spring brings me some peace and happiness. I am loving the osprey arriving and want to ask them what their winter home is like. I love the lambs and spring peepers. And the night sky has been amazing. I can’t wait for warmer weather.

15 thoughts on “Overwhelmed but Hopeful

  1. Oh, Becca, I have been enjoying the little lamb pictures. They are so precious! Hang tough, girlie! It has been a long winter, and your spirits should pick up with the advent of spring. Here in the Deep South the trees are leafing out and the grass is starting to grow green again. What a relief from all that winter brown! It is quite depressing to see nothing but different shades of brown and gray for months on end. Bought some seeds for sunflowers and zinnias at Home Depot last week and some bush beans and eggplant. Should be able to sow the seeds soon. Wishing you a happy Easter, friend.

  2. I just read this afer reading your post today. It made me think of you. http://creativejourneywoman.com/2015/03/30/the-healing-power-of-creativity/

    I too hate silence – when a family member or partner becomes silent – out of the blue with no explanation – often after much communication beforehand – so what happens – as you recounted – is you or I wrack our brains trying to figure it out or call, text – asking if everything is okay. We are not psychic so can”t know what is happening. Sometimes there is an explanation for the silence – sometimes this is not.

    I can relate to what you wrote.

  3. Becca,

    I relate to having anxiety over situations where much is expected and you are in charge of lives quite literally. I was a nurse… I can’t imagine a better animal care-taker than you! Being conscientious, caring and loving, I think is your hallmark and many aren’t as qualified as you in that arena! It took me a long time to realize that I was a good nurse, but NOT God and that shit happens no matter what…and whatever happens isn’t our fault, and all anyone can do is the best we can do!

    What precious lambs these are! Years ago we took 4 baby lambs in to help a friend, keeping them in the hallway of our big giant rented primitive farmhouse—They had to be fed on a schedule like a baby and our priest friend thought we would enjoy the experience…It was just like having a baby, even though my kids loved the experience. It lasted a few weeks before I started wheezing and they had to go back, but at least we gave our priest friend a break and got an experience of working with baby lambs….

    Also know that you are worthy of love, and it always happens in God’s time and not ours and that can be very frustrating. How I used to hurt over broken relationships that I can many years later see that God truly saved me from!! So hang in there! You’re a wonderful person and I enjoy your blog! With love, jane P.S. I am running to dinner and so didn’t proof this…hope it isn’t discombobulated…my thoughts can often be that way!

  4. Becca, I’m just getting to this today and need to comment. Your blogs and photos are a bright spot in my day. They’re interesting, heartfelt, nurturing and real. The “real” is most important, because there is too little of it today.

    I hope all the “silences” in your life resolve themselves. Just hold tight. There may be joy or pain ahead, but you’ll deal, as I believe you always have. You’re resilient. Yeah, it sucks when you don’t want to be strong, but it’s who you are.

    Thanks for your writings. Thanks for sharing your pictures and in many ways giving us out here an example of how to do daily life. Blessings to you.

  5. I missed this post somehow, and was reading your next post where you referenced back to this one. I too had a husband who would go silent when something happened in the relationship that he didn’t like. He wouldn’t even confirm what it was that he didn’t like. Said only something like I should know what was wrong. Since I was only in my early 20’s and I didn’t have a lot of life experience I of course spent countless futile hours trying to figure out what went wrong and how I could fix it and feeling absolutely terrible. Now that I’m a relatively “old” lady, I can tell you that the kind of person who does the silent thing, whether it’s a family member or a love interest, is way too self-centered to have a sharing relationship with another person. They do follow a pattern, though–alternating between appearing normal and caring and then going into a cold, blaming retreat. Unless some unfortunate accident befell NYC, or, as you hope, his phone fell into the river, I wouldn’t count on him being a tower of support for you. After all, he could have borrowed someone else’s phone to let you know what’s going on. That would be the common, courteous thing to do. I will let you noodle this one out for yourself, as I have no clue as to all the details. All I can say is that in the long run, a stable, supportive, caring person does not swing back and forth between making you the center of their life and then giving a complete cold shoulder. It’s wonderful that you have so many interests and I hope that if things indeed do not work out with NYC you will find refuge in the joy of life itself. The hardest thing in the world for “nice” people to recognize is their own intrinsic value.

    • Thank you for your kind words. I never thought of silent treatment of being self centered but it sure is. It does remind me of being on the playground in second grade. It is a pattern many follow. I’m looking forward to the spring and warner weather and seeing what happens.

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