Since writing of my depression I am actually feeling a bit better. Thank you to all who reached out with encouragement. I truly appreciated. I am taking each day as it comes and try to accomplish a few things towards my personal goals. I feel like I have been on a hamster wheel and want to explore more.
I am still downsizing and incorporating some things that I have from my mom’s that I could not bear to send to goodwill or sell. Perhaps someday I will. I think sometimes my guilt over having to move her out of her three bedroom home to a studio apartment compelled me to keep more than I should. She loves everything in her apartment. My sisters and I have items and furniture from her home. I am still working towards minimalism. I find it hard to downsize my books but have donated quite a few that I realize I will never read.
Art is my other vise that I have trouble getting rid of. I am happiest with books, art and music around as well as animals and nature. I need a cottage by the sea. I love getting lost in a book or a piece of art.
When I visit my mom I often encounter other residents and have gotten to know some of them a little. One woman always seeks me out to ask me what day of the week it is. Two others are in constant motion but stop and chat. They are often confused but happy. Not sure where they are but they enjoy chatting. I often wonder what the world looks like to them. My mom sometimes tells me her apartment changes into other rooms. I listen and ask a few questions. She does not understand that I don’t always know what she is talking about and I don’t wish to frustrate her with asking her to either explain or describe what she means. I try to picture what she sees and wonder if some of the places I visit on my dreams are similar to what she sees now. The brain is fascinating. We can get lost in it, stay there, visit other places and do so much however when Alzheimer’s hits you find other ways to communicate. My mom has been speaking more and more about her parents and grandparents. Sometimes she speaks of my dad. I am enjoying hearing of her childhood. She did not speak if it much when I was growing up. I wonder if my mind will leave me as hers is leaving slowly.
It is finally cold and snowy here in Delaware. Last month it was in the sixties a lot. Today the temp did not go above 26. I enjoy all four seasons and am happy I live somewhere I can experience them. I appreciate all of them for different reasons. I love winter for the clear views of the night sky. I enjoy the cold and then being able to enjoy a warm home. Some of the homes I have lived in over the years were not warm at all. Grateful for what I have and who I know. Thanks for reading! Happy January 11.
becca's event horizon 
My Dad has dementia, he still is at home with my Mom caring for him. She does not want help. Sadly conversations with him are practically non-existent. He is worried about his schedule and how he can deal with all the changes (the bug man coming or the phone calls or tree trimmers etc). No conversations of his past or childhood, he can’t process or think about all that. It’s so very very sad. I thought I would have time at this stage. His memory is shot. It’s frustrating for my Mom, for him, for us.
Weird how everyone’s experience is varied. All I can do is sympathize with your challenges and be grateful for time even if it isn’t quality time.
I am sorry for what you are going through with your dad. I am thankful my mom is happy and still knows me.
I had no idea I would be journeying down this road but now as I look back I missed some things that now seem so clear.
Sending you hugs over the internet. Thank you so much for sharing with me.
My mom with dementia used to tell me she had spoken with my dad. I never corrected her even though at the time he had been resting in peace for a decade. It’s so much kinder to just go with the flow, right?
It is for sure.