I’m still here

Sunrise over the Miles River St Michaels MD

Boy when life takes over it takes over. It doesn’t seem like seven months since I last wrote. I hope someone is still here reading what I wrote but if not I am going to write for myself.

My mom is still in assisted living though moving to memory care soon. Alzheimer’s is a steady march downwards with memory. Thankfully my mom is still happy. We go out to eat once a week. My mom does great in the morning but come one o’clock pm she struggles with her memory. My sisters seem to be in denial about her memory. I love when they tell me mom sounds great, present and no memory issues at all. They don’t get the phone calls from my mom questioning where she is. The assisted living facility has recommended that she move to memory care soon. She has also had an additional health issue arise, one that has difficult decisions to be made.

My husband has filed for divorce. We are still living together and I am still caregiving for him. We have been arguing-some days more than others. I have been working on donating furniture still left from my mom’s. I have been taking odds and ends to goodwill as well as habitat for humanity. Apartments are more expensive than our mortgage. I do not wish to rent a room somewhere. Most days things are quiet and almost pleasant but when days are combative things are quite ugly. I am always amazed at how nasty he can be. I try very hard to not retaliate with words as he uses words as weapons. PTSD leaves him trapped in the past and believing whatever he chooses is right.

I have taken up reading again and am loving it. I have been reading children’s books, fiction, non fiction and poetry. I enjoyed reading Remarkably Bright Creatures. I have loved reading since I was a child.

I have also returned to cooking. I love the creativity I can use when cooking. I like the challenge of one pot meals. Since Covid hit I have done all the cooking. I miss when my husband cooked too. These days he prefers grilling. We get our fruits and veggies from our local CSA as well as some meats.

I have really missed writing. Between visiting my mom most days and caregiving for my husband there is not much time for me. I am getting better at carving time for myself but exhaustion prevents me from being more motivated.

I am still taking photos and nature watching. I saw a yellowthroat bird at my mom’s yesterday. We have thirty one Lady Slipper Orchids on the property. I have tried to photograph them. It is a challenge as my camera cannot focus properly on the pink of the flower. I still try every day.

I am always amazed my life turned out as it had as it was not what I expected. I am trying hard to adjust my thoughts and be mindful and grateful as to where I am in life.

12 thoughts on “I’m still here

  1. Hi Becca. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. As far as your mom, I understand completely, having experienced the same with my dad. And the brothers who reacted the same way as your sisters because they weren’t there to see what was happening. I’m glad you are trying to take some time for you; every little bit helps.

  2. Good to see you posting again Becca. I’ve been following your posts and enjoying your pictures for 10, 12, years? Back to when you were working full time and taking care of people’s dogs etc.

    Thank You, Mike Munger

  3. Your many challenges are being met and glad to get your update. I am on the west coast helping with a family medical situation here in Portland OR. Home is Kansas City.

    Good luck to you, you endure and I admire that.

  4. Praying for you, Becca, and for your husband. Wishing you both peace, insight and healing. Times are difficult and we need to bear with and support one another now more than ever.

  5. Welcome your posts, no matter how infrequent. Wishing you peace and time to care for yourself, As always, your pictures are absolutely lovely.

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